Dear Diary,

I have to much to say/rant about that my head trobs and my hand shivered(that bad!) trying to sort out the pieces of thoughts i have.

It happens all the time,hence the less frequent reason of not blogging. Funnily it flows out easily like water when i playing with my own thoughts.

Does it happen to you blogger out there at many a times, or it isst just me who have lost the flare in writing?

I remember those old good days, when blog have yet to exist or have yet become popular, i used to have a dairy when i pen all my thoughts.

Reading back, i laugh, smiled, winched at the rawness of my writing, the truest form of emotion i poured in. It was so real, raw and true straight from the heart.

So what difference does it make here?

Issit because i thought so hard trying to please others who chance upon this blog?
I have no idea.

Goodbye dear blog.

Im gonna close you down. Im gonna start a new chapter come 18th.

Rejuvenating myself to a wholesome new me.

Come 18th is my 1st year to having this blog.

And the last of this blog.

Goodbye for now.

Breath nadya breath.


I'm having the time of my life.

It's a good thing.

Note to self

I think i'm going into another phase of life. And funny as it seems, that now i'm starting to be more recipient to learn and hungrily and desperately want to own.

Not to long ago, i hate the idea of living abroad. There's no other place where i would like other than Singapore to call my home.

Not to long ago, i don't even flinch at the sight of diamonds morever to hear.

Not to long ago, i hate being overseas more then a fortnight. More, and ill cry to sleep,wanting to back home.

Not long ago, i hate socialising foreign aquantance, for i fear then look down upon me.

Now take that. I'm eating back all my words. HAH!

I'm beginning to take in consideration of living on my own, abroad away from my family, proudly living independantly.

Diamonds now becomes an envy, somthing ill kill to have for.

Travelling, learning other cultures, getting myself aquanted with people from the other side of the world.

I don't have any specific answer to what causes the change, but i secretly believe it's the influence of the people around me.

Or so i've heard.

So now what? You are unhappy with me? Claiming that im boastful and like to show off?

I just chuckle at your statement.

I tried recalling, at which i have boasted about knowing it all.

If i know it all, i wount' have ask for opinions.

If i-know-it-all, i don't give a freaking two cents of your say.

It's such a pity, that you mistaken me sharing my knowledge with you,what ive learnt in school,as showing off.

Really, i just shook my head in dismay. Ive been misunderstood.


I have my flaws. But don't forget, you have your flaws too. .Honestly, it's pretty irritating to have to remind you over and over again. Its just so human to ask.But then, constantly reminding myself,I did my level best, keeping my cool especially when you made yourself clear over msn, that you want me to stop asking you this and that? I thank you for that feedback and i work on it. Then again,how long can my patience run, if you keep on tramping on me? It works both ways isnt it. If you made a point to remember, i dont have to ask. and now when i ask nicely, you gave me a face, like i don't deserve to ask? What are you trying to tell me?

We used to work together pretty well, until...i don't know. I don't know what happen.I am that lost . It's sad that u see me that way.

I remembered then, i shared with you, if there's any problem arising, talk to me. I am liberal to take critism and feedback. At least i know, if ive been stepping on your shoes. But sadly, nope. You din't. You chose to talk behind my back.

I tried to talk to you, but you avoid it. So it's your lost.

You want to despise me? I am nobody to stop you feeling that way darla. I'm still working on my flaws, and i admit that sometimes, i forget and tend to go overboard.

I'm not gonna that this matter whole heartedly personally. It's a good feedback that i should work on and hopefully it can be avoided the next time.
And though at first it hurts, i'm don't wish to dwell on it.

Loving you forever and ever?

Blueghhhhhh.

Oh pls. (rolls eyes)

I could nt help myself but chuckle when i see people confessing of their love towards their partner. Loving you forever is definately overrated, especially with nowdays relationship. Will you love still love that person forever once they've become the ex? Will you still love the person forever when you start loving somebody else?

Touche.

Nope, i'm not saying such, out of pure jealousy. Personally ive been in and out of love. I've taste what love is, is ive learn the hard truth.I've learnt no matter how deeply in love i am with my partner, i avoid paraphrasing 'forever'. Its such a sacred word, and once it becomes cliche, it becomes...meaningless.

Afterall, a marriage can end up in a divorce.

And unless, i guess, you can predict the future, that he is the one,

pls, avoid saying forever.

I came across this, and i decided to post it here. At this moment, this is the best remedy for me. Reading such, at least gives me a glimps of hope that, the is still more to look out for in life. I've decided that dwelling on negativity would not do me any good anyway. I need to curb this habit of mine, harping on what had happen, will just not pull up my self esteem. A friend of mine, post a very quotable qoute which,i personally find ironic..well for me that is.

"If you want a happy life, tie it to a goal, not not people or things"
And as much as i agree to the quote, i must disgress abit. I, all along make myself happy, or the least give consolation to myself but making comparision with other people. Like example, when i am having a teribble time, i randomly thought of people whom share the same fate as me, or if not worser than mine. For this, it made me feel better, tho it's not a lasting one. It's like taking a pain killer, it numbs you for a couple of hours, and slowing the pain starts to creep in.

Anyway, ive cut and paste this, hoping it gives a little bit of light to me. For nearly 20 years i've been holding myself back, the never endless grudges, hating every bit of my life. Such negativity dwells within me, that trying to look at things on the brighter side, seems tad too much for me.

Well, nuthing beats from trying anyway. It's better to start now, then later. =)

POSITIVE THINKING Some Ideas to get you started... 1. At school or work associate with positive people 2. In every class, ask a question 3. Keep a list of your long term and short term goals 4. Do a good deed for someone every day 5. Smile So how do you think positive? It takes practice.

Here are a couple of things to remember.. 1. What we think of ourselves is more important than what others think of us 2. Experience is not what happens to us it is how we deal with it 3. Happiness is the one thing you can give without having 4. You are individual and there is nobody else like you 5. Dont be afraid to smile or laugh 6. Dont be afraid to ask for help when you need it 7. Be proud of who and what you are 8. A cheerfull thought can drive away a skyfull of clouds 9. A happy heart beats longest 10. You are not alone

Horoscope

Ever read the newspaper and subconsiously you flip to the horoscope section? Or wait, you are fully aware, and the first thing you do is to look out for horoscope?


Well then, welcome to the club.

I always have a love-hate relationship with it.

Love because i can at least anticipate what the future holds for me (for some i believe are soo fake, which i dutifully give it a passe and try to believe it anyway.

Hate because, the aftermath mood changes automatically depending on the negativity or positivity of the horoscope of the day.

The time of the month is coming up again and im starting to feel blah.

My emotions starts to play roller coaster adn at this moment i feel bitchy, upset, angry, dissapointed and anything along the line.

At ONE GO.


All the negative aura.

I'm beginning to wonder why i have more negative vibe than those positive ones.

Guys make me sick. Sick Sick Sick.

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

See i told you i should not have met any person from the virtual world. It will just destroy the facade that ive created with the person. But why does it have to end that way? I was just looking for friendship anyway.

Ahhhh, forget about it.

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)[?]
The Bottom Line
Life is not a race, it's an experience. Don't rush around -- just take your time.
In Detail
Life is not a race, it's an experience. There is no need to rush around from one adventure to another, trying to fill your days with action! Today, stop your engines and cool your jets ... because if you don't, you could be missing out on something subtle but wonderful in your life. Someone has been desperately trying to get your attention, but you have been so busy focusing on other things that you haven't slowed down to notice them. Don't make that mistake again today.


*How i wish i know who that person be*

Alot of things have been happening in my life. And yet ive not state in this blog for memory sake.

Wait, before i go one blabbering.Lemme side track abit.

ARGGHHHHH.

I have butterflies in my stomach.

TO THE CORE.

I cant pinpoint.

It's in between the performance im gonna have for my DND and umm sumthing. I badly want to jot it down here, but i guess im a scary cat when it comes to penning something deep down frm my heart.

Well that's because nuthing is ever concrete, and it's always the case when i start ranting on and on, things don't happen. Like it's jinx to talk about it you know. But that's not the case.

I had too high hopes. And that when it doesnt work out, I get utterly dissapointed. For now, i guess ill just keep it to myself.

Ok.*Get back on track*

OH SHIT. I CANT FUCKING WRITE.
I JUST TO JIBBERY TO EVEN WRITE ANYTHING

Save the last dance for me!

I am watching Micheal Buble on Youtube now.


He made me smile sheepishly.

Just like a girl who's shy having to look in the eye of her crush.


Je'taime.


Your sexiness is soooo effortless Buble.


Ahhhh..... I'm swoon.

8 is the lucky number

The Rulez:1) Each blogger must post these rules, first.2) Each blogger starts with with eight random facts/ habits about themselves3) Bloggers that are tagged need to write on their own blog about eight things and post these rules. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.4) Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged, and to read your blog.

1) First impression works best for me. If i am comfortable with you, i will be very sociable. If i don't, pls get the hint.

2) I don't like cleaning my room. But i am totally the opposite at work!

3)I love red,yellow and green.

4) Many think i'm arrogant. Know me, and i'm actually good and nice at heart.

5) People laugh when i tell them i want to be a social worker and that i do volunterring.

6) I get excited and bored over things at a short period of time.

7) I am easily contented at heart.

8) I have the deepest secret where i swear i will never tell anybody


Who to tagged:

Let me think over it first.

The Serenity i've always yearn for.

I was looking forward so much for Ramadan and am still.

I always never manage to complete my Ramadan for the past years mainly because i could'nt help to abstain myself from the hunger pangs.

This time round tho, it feels different. I've made a ramadan resolution that is to complete finishing my puasa, and i felt proud of that one day have past like a breeze. Really, i feel so serene and for once ive never felt happy this much. I was proud, coz altho justone day have past, ive made it without thinking much of the hunger and thirst. And simply after that, i feel like a brand new person.

I cried "Alhamdullilah" the moment the azan commences many atimes. I smiled and suprisingly i felt my heart too smile feeling proud.

God, i never felt nearer to you.

And Ramadan sure made me fall hard for you.

Today i had a very good laugh with my best girlfriend. We laugh and reminisces those time when we were still working at a fast food outlets the the uber fun times we had together. Oh how i teribbly miss those times.

Zainah and Masline. I miss those times. Do you?


Lets have a girls day out again!

Honestly, i have no idea of what to update of.
Haha, just now when i was waiting to log in to blogger, i was trying hard to think of what i should update about, and funnily or sadly i say, nuthing. I mean, nuthing fanciful.

Haha, i don't know but i was really trying to crack my head and then i told myself, oh lets just be honest and blog that i have nuthing to blog about!!

HAHAHA. i really sound lame but i just feel the need to update, at least to let those who even cared to read know i'm still alive and kicking.

Maybe i should rant about my personal life. WEll guess what, i still have a crush on him. Yup. Amazingly true. Even when we are not keeping in touch at all. I do think of him and presently at the moment only him i can think of dating with. I don't know why he has such strong bonafide which i am strongly attracted too. Maybe the fact that i have not redirect my attention to somebody else that i am still thinking of him. Ahhh, i am just in a denial. Accept the fact that he's not at all interested in me and the fact that..hmmm i'm not his type.

Oh lately, ive been feeling very sporty. I wanted to do anything with sports. Like tennis. Like water skiing. Like anything under the sun!

Holy September

Let's pray that Sept is a month for me.

Forget July.

I'm not gonna hold any grudges.

Love.

Why do all good things come to an end.

I'm a strong believer in karma,

Why you ask me? Because im going thru the phase right now, and believe me it's not a phase where i enjoy it thoroughly at all.

All those bad karma coming slapping amd slamming right thru my fae right after one another. I believe god is just fair. I came up with this theory in order to turn over a new leave, you will go thru painful obstacle. Well in another words, its payback time. You, now become the victim of the bad sins you have done in the past. I say, have a taste of your own medicine.

In all my life, it was not at all a rosy and dainty ever since i was 13. As a teenager i grew up fighthing for my rights. My freedom. I got it all right, but in return i became this nasty person which i later realise made many people despise me which of cause includes my own siblings.

There are of cause alot of factors imput in which i wount go in detail. I became nasty simply not because i wanted too, but circumstances made me too. My father was one of the main reason. Again, i wount go into details.

I was born an intelligent person. But i threw many opportunities away. My life, if only i have straightned it out long ago, i would be in uni instead of struggling, working and studying at the same time out of my own pocket money.

I've stopped playing the blame game. I have only myself to blame.

Dear god,

Right now, what ever obstacle you gave me, i just wish you are right here with me to guide me thru. To give me the will power to go on and face the world optimisticly. I longed to be happy.

It's been such a long time since i have been happy. I know you will give me happiness. Time? Patience is running out.

I wasnt having any emotional dyfunct when i wrote the last post. It was simply down deep from my heart.

Clear cut, i am utterly dissapointed with my own family. I know back then i did many wrong, many wrong that they simply lost the trust in me, disrespect me especially my siblings. Even then, what happen to clearing grudges? Leaving the past and try to know me as the present? the problem is, no! No matter what i did, im under scrutinity and always judged negatively on every action i give.

I give up. Not giving up on myself, but give up making up to my family. I tried so much to hold back my temper, and when it flares, the only conclusion they jump on? Oh im still that old Nadya.

Stop it! I had enough. I cried to my sleep. I cried when i did my daily jog. I cried to Allah. I wanted to be strong for myself. Be selfish and put up a brave front, then again who am i kidding? I am still alone. I am not happy being so.

I keep to myself, refraining to talking terms to my family. I asked myself is this the last resort. It certainly wasnt but i let myself follow my delusion. At this moment, my heart truly ached especially thinking of my brother.

Damn him. Really damn him. I not gonna stoop low like you. I'm not going to infest my blog with cursing and swearing over the emotional and physical damage you have done to me. Nope, been there done that. I am soo over such actions. I rather keep to myself now, then have big arguments with the family.

I am going to stand up head high even you are constantly throwing negative remarks, cursing and swearing at me.

Tears will flow. yes it will. but that is not a sign of my weakness.

I will prove to you that i'm strong to stand up on my two feet,
even when you are telling everybody that i am a loser.

I don't care if you don't give a chance to know me deep down.

That i am a nice person at heart,

tho i don't show much at home.

I simply don't care anymore.

I may not have you, my own flesh and blood as my first support.

But i strongly belief that god is fair.

God,

I put my faith in you.

So brother.

Carry on with what you are doing.

Coz it made me a wiser person, to know how cruel life is.

With absolutely no one to turn to,

even with your own family turn you down.

It's ok.

I will console myself.

"Nadya, i love you.

Love yourself nadya."

=) =) =)