Dear diary,

today i shall hold no bars in penning what i feel. Raw and uneditted, i shall let my finger type freely, what ever my heart says.

As of lately, i have not been a good daughter to my dearest mum. I have been out of the house early in the morning only to come home late at night. Why am i out, when my mum needs me the most? Because i am simply in denial. I do not want to face the fact that i might lose my mum anytime soon. With the objective to become numb to undesired emotions. I was tired of crying, so i acted like there's nothing wrong, i laugh my ass away, just like a happy person.

Now, it's killing me. I want to hit myself. Slap myself for doing this selfish act. Aku mmg dasar anak derhaka.

Mama,

From head to toe, i beg for forgiveness. You were there for me all this while, and yet, when you need me the most,i left you laying there in pain. Ma, trust me, the reason y i deprive myself from you was because, it hurts me so much, that i cry silently at night seeing your state. When i massage you, i tried so hard, so hard mama, not to cry infront of you because you wanted me to put a brave front, because you taught me that for every human being who lives, will eventually leave. That mama, i could not face. And by that, i took the easy way out, by detaching myself from you. So that i would not fall into depression.

Ma, i love you with all my heart. Everytime i kiss your hand, i could not look bear to look into your eyes, for the fear breaking down infront of you. What would i do? The only thing i could do now is to be ignorant of the fact that your cancer relapses and that it has gone worse. Everyday i would rehearse myself in front of the mirror to smile/laugh as per norm.

I am indeed selfish mama.

So from now i would devote myself to you. I would be home to be there for you, sleep lightly so that i can wake up and staight go to your room when i hear you moan in pain.

I'm sorry.

To friends,

I might go on a hiatus.

To you,
I'm sorry that if you think that i hurt your feelings. Honestly till now i do not know where i went wrong.I counld only assume. But my dear, assuming will only bring negative vibes and i do not wish to strain our friendship. I wish you could open up to me. It hurts me alot, but i for now, i shall not let that strain me. I have enough problems to handle, and i don't think i could handle anything more.