back to work. but mind not at ease. kept thinking of momma.

sigh.

i rather be at home now.

Gotnuthingbettertodo

My blood just boiled.

In fact it's at the boiling point.

FUCKING LADY

SOAB.

called my home, introduce herself frm the HOSPICE.

FUCKING HOSPICE.

" may i know when your mum need the service?" was the first sentence afterwhich.

i was appalled of course upon hearing that. A hospice-service calling my home.

and i questioned her.

Her reply,

"OH hospital refer. Your mum last stage what"

There and then i just want to scream at her. If she was speaking face to face, i swear i would have boxed her dead.

ASS.

fucking call, with no emphaty somemore talk nochalantly.

New year is just around the corner.

Im not dreading for it to come, just that i want to stretch it lil bit longer to be mentally and physically prepared for the year ahead.

This year seem to fly within a bat of an eyelid.

Wow. Few months back i was whining when the year would come to end.ironically, now that its coming, aint looking forward for it at all.

how are you guys spending your new year?

Im gonna take care of mommy. Simple affaire but worth the time.

I miss going out. i miss having fun. i miss being carefree.


i miss shopping. i miss laughter. i miss hugs and kisses.

i miss bubble tea sessions.

I miss



ME

Her 22nd Birthday!

Dear Nani Martini the

fashionista,

May you be young at heart always!

Happy 22nd Birthday Darling!

Get well soon~!

Last few day has been very overwhelming. Too overwhelming that i caught with a flu while taking care of dearest mum. And only now i got the chance to be at home more than 24 hrs.

Defination of friendship:

"Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words."

Dear friends,

this entry is dedicated to you. It's been days, i know, i should have thanked you guys earlier, but i had not much time. Time was allocated for my mum. So now, this is the opportunity.

Dear Shitness, Thank you for being there for me. Without hesitation to come down to the hospital upon knowing that my mum was admitted to the hospital. I'm touched nevertheless for you guys to make the effort. It is time like this, that i know you guys are friends for life.

To shaz: thank you for the video post. Thank you for the encouraging words you sms me everyday asking how i'm doing.

To aisha: Thank you for informing them of my mum. Thank you for lending me your shoulder and telling me to be strong when im not.

To Hid: It's been a while since i met you. The hug that you gave was uber comforting.

To Nani: Nani, thank you for staying a while longer, holding my hand and sharing your thought in the early morning. I cried reading your msgs, for the thoughts you had touches me, really.

To Barney: Thank you for your endless support. For hugging me and telling that ill still have you.

To Reena : Thanks for coming down babe. *Smiles*

To Yati: Yati, thank you so much for coming for two days tho i know you have a busy schedule. Thanks for the kisses, i need it so much.

To Masline: I miss you so much, and i'm glad you made the effort to see my mum.

To my two lovely guy friends, SOPI and FARID: you both are the best guy friends i had. Sopi, it was never an issue when you said that,i know you meant well ok sis. And Farid, you were the first to call me back when my mum was admitted to the hosp. Thank you for accompanying me on the phone, rushing from work to see my mum.

Last but not least,

MY BESTFRIEND, ENAH.

I cant thank you enough. you are a miricle to me. you were there thru thick and thin. i couldnt help but cry to see you come early and go back night just so to give me emotional support to me. You helped me with the household at home. You bought food just so i will eat. And you never fail to make me laugh. How could i ask for more? Dear enah, i love you so much and i hope you will stick by me. Thank you enah. Thank you.

Dear friends....

This morning, 8am.

"Kakak, urut mama sampai lelap ok. Jgn tinggalkan mama"

And i look away,tyrping hard not to weep,which obviously failed.Tears streaming coming down, hands caressly massaging my mum till she stopped moaning in pain.

Dear god, i shall not be selfish. I would rather you take my mum peacefully than to see my mum suffer in pain.

And i know now the true meaning,

"IF you truly love someone, sometimes you have to let them go"

If you wanna start judging me on how i live my life, that's pretty sad. Because there's more to me than meets the eye.

Shitty

Shitty.


feeling fucking shitty.


i want out.

fuck. i wish i could get off this country and just start brand new.

fuck everything.

i just wanna break down.

even the impulse shopping and zouking doesnt make me feel better at all.

argh. fuck laa.


fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

ive got no one to turn too.

I think i did a brave thing today.

I went out shopping alone. *Roll eyes* Yes yes, i know, nothing brave what you might say.
Neighbourhood area, ok


TOWN? ON A FRIDAY?

It took me a whole of courage to go ahead with my determined plan to hit the MANGO sales. Since yesterday was particularly a failed attempt to go town. Initially a fren agreed to go with me, then at 5 msg-ed me saying that she had to work overtime. For a while i was breathing hard, dissapointed. Bestie went out on date, so i cant bug her. Called Shaz, first said ok then cancelled on me. Msg Sopi, no reply.

For the sake of a SALE, friend or no friend, i was that determined to hit town. MANGO sale was on at 50%. How on earth could i close an eye or two (no pun intended) and forgo Orchard. So, what's a girl to do?

anyway, i ended up with high waisted pants from F21 and shoe!from zara.

Zilth - zero - kosong - yillek from MANGO.

Coz apperently MANGO dissapoint me big time.

Trust me, it's not worth going.

Afterwhich met up with Nana for awhile.

Then head to mit Aisha at her store. Had to wait for her to do closing. Ended up with nothing. No cakes, no drinks! (Aisha, i want the next time round!!) because that Mak nenek was rushing for time.

Oh well.

Anyway, i just realise i did a narrative composition. And i really really suck at it.

Need to work on it.

My dearest sopi aka sister aka gaywat is in loveeeeeeeee.

hehehehehe.

pls let this be permanent okay hunney.

story telling soon with me.

Zoukout is tomorrow and ive yet decided on what to wear. NANI HELP ME!

I'm having a fashion disaster. Boohoooooooooo.

And guys pls have conference on tml meeting!

Oh btw, i've turned lesbian.

My gf is shazzie.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.

ok ok, kidding.

TGIF, relax yawwww.

As you can see,

CBOX is up. That means i'll blog frequently.

Frequent blog updates = lotsa time to waste = no social life

vise versa

Since the lot of us are either on hiatus, hibernation or whatnots mode, i'll take this opportunity to take a step back too and spend more time for muaself.

Few month back i thought of spending my the last days of the year with friends having the time of my life, enjoying single moment. Or so i thought. Now, hmmmmm, i don't know, we'll see it my year will end up.

Anyway, i miss this bunch lots.

We're not RIP yet are we?

im listening to aerosmith song- armegeddon as im typing this. Level six- carpark a totally last minute, randon meetup with shazzie.

As im typing away, she's browsing the newspaper, classified jobs, earnestly. Wonder when's mine turn to come. Come this March, i'm that determine to tender mine. Yet the insecurity feeling immerse. What if i don't get the job that i want? My future's so blunt that i wish i could turn back time to be a small little kid, with no worries of survival.

My ambition changes as fast as a chemeleon changes it's colour that my head trobs. Whenever i slump onto bed at night, the mind drifts and question after question pops up. It's dampening that i don't have a secured future. Not that i don't have now, i needed something more. It comes down to the money.....and fame. I thirst for fame. I, for one, wants to be known for the things i do. One thing i know, as i kid, ive always yearn to someone famous. Cliche as it may sounds, thoughout the years, yes, im always known. But for wrong reasons that it.

I need to sort out my life soon. Don't ask me to soul search.A soul searching would not do any good.

Life, oh, life.

Why does it get any complicated?

Let's play pretend.

Shall we?

It suddenly falters me that the world is full of drama. We are own puppets. We mask ourself only to please others.

It's never gonna be the same again.

Just when i thought there's such thing as friendship, the table turns and i'm back to square one.


you will never ever learn your lesson, nadya, never.

Dear god,

why must good things come to an end? why do you give and suddenly you took it away from me? Was i adamant to you?

Did i lose my head that you took it away from me to make me realise, to tap on my shoulder that it's you i should seek serenity from?

Why must we let go of a beautiful friendship?

Why?

Dear diary,

today i shall hold no bars in penning what i feel. Raw and uneditted, i shall let my finger type freely, what ever my heart says.

As of lately, i have not been a good daughter to my dearest mum. I have been out of the house early in the morning only to come home late at night. Why am i out, when my mum needs me the most? Because i am simply in denial. I do not want to face the fact that i might lose my mum anytime soon. With the objective to become numb to undesired emotions. I was tired of crying, so i acted like there's nothing wrong, i laugh my ass away, just like a happy person.

Now, it's killing me. I want to hit myself. Slap myself for doing this selfish act. Aku mmg dasar anak derhaka.

Mama,

From head to toe, i beg for forgiveness. You were there for me all this while, and yet, when you need me the most,i left you laying there in pain. Ma, trust me, the reason y i deprive myself from you was because, it hurts me so much, that i cry silently at night seeing your state. When i massage you, i tried so hard, so hard mama, not to cry infront of you because you wanted me to put a brave front, because you taught me that for every human being who lives, will eventually leave. That mama, i could not face. And by that, i took the easy way out, by detaching myself from you. So that i would not fall into depression.

Ma, i love you with all my heart. Everytime i kiss your hand, i could not look bear to look into your eyes, for the fear breaking down infront of you. What would i do? The only thing i could do now is to be ignorant of the fact that your cancer relapses and that it has gone worse. Everyday i would rehearse myself in front of the mirror to smile/laugh as per norm.

I am indeed selfish mama.

So from now i would devote myself to you. I would be home to be there for you, sleep lightly so that i can wake up and staight go to your room when i hear you moan in pain.

I'm sorry.

To friends,

I might go on a hiatus.

To you,
I'm sorry that if you think that i hurt your feelings. Honestly till now i do not know where i went wrong.I counld only assume. But my dear, assuming will only bring negative vibes and i do not wish to strain our friendship. I wish you could open up to me. It hurts me alot, but i for now, i shall not let that strain me. I have enough problems to handle, and i don't think i could handle anything more.

Dear Friend, what's on your mindYou don’t laugh the way you used toBut I've noticed how you cryDear friend, I feel so helplessI see you sit in silenceAs you face new pain each dayI feel there’s nothing I can doI know you don’t feel prettyEven though you areBut it wasn’t your beautyThat found room in my heartDear friend, you are so precious Dear FriendDear friend, I'm here for youI know that you don’t talk too muchBut we can share this day anewDear Friend, please don’t feel like you're aloneThere is someone who is prayingPraying for your peace of mindHoping joy is what you'll findI know you don’t feel weakEven though you areBut it wasn’t your strengthThat found room in my heartDear friend, you are so precious, Dear Friend

IIponder,

Now i'm at bestie's place, typing this entry. Hmm, lets see what should i ponder about this time round.

Everytime i log in to blogger, i have nuthing else to rant about other than ranting about life. Life to me now seems vague. I don't see where i will be in 10 years to come. It is ok to feel this way? It is ok bestie. I envy my bestie. Her life as it seems is an alter ego. Far breezy from mine. She know what's best for her, pioritize what's important,whats not, and in years to come she will be a successful nurse.

Me? I lead a too carefree life that now my life is jumbled up.Messed. I'm in a state of confusion. I don't know what i wanna be,really. I'm scared to death. Again, is there anyone out there have in the same shoes as mine?

I had an intriguing talk with Nani yesterday, and i confessed to her about the plight that i am in. Relief, i am not alone after all. Even her, has her insecurities of what the future holds for her.

I am not confident of the future. I always dreamnt of being a successful,popular person, and contarary to that, look at me now. I am still finding my own identity.

Sigh. When all this qns will end?

They say time will tell all.

Bah.

I'm running out of time. Time is catching up on me.

Dear God

Dear GOD,

IF you can't make me skinny, pls make my friends fat.

AND PLS TRANSFORM MY EYES LIKE FARID'S.

Thank you very nice.

hmmmmm. SITI INGIN MENGUCAPKAN TERIMA KASIH KEPADA ABAH,MAK TERCINTA. TAK TERLUPA ABANG MISAI I.


SEKIAN,
TERIMA KASIH.

ASSALAMUALAIKUM WARAHMATULLAH HIWABARAKATU.

I like one liners. It's short,simple. And the best thing i like is that you keep your readers guessing. Only you know what it's all about. I say one liners lines a thousand thoughts.

Teehee.

Goodnight ya'll.

Here's my one liner before i go.

To you, i think i'm game enough for your game. Let's play and we'll see who will have the last laugh.

=)
Karma's a bitch, revenge is sweet.

Teeheee.

Love,
Nadya.

My Horoscope reading for the day:

Aquarius:

8 Oct 08

An attractive acquantaince might be interested if you took time to notice. It's easy to spot flirting if you know what to look out for.

Pierre Andre, have you heard me?

As much as i wish it is true, truth behold, reality bites deeper then what we wish for.

Oh well Nadya, keep on dreaming.

When two person sit down and talk? What do they commonly talk about?



None other then.....

Life and Love.





Touche.

yet the most interesting topic to talk about.



Especially love. Love.



What is love? Love is any of a number of emotion and experiences related to a sense of strong affection. Love for family, love for friends, love for god..ect. But what kind of love affects us most? The one which suddenly make us a totally different person, which bring both positive and negative aura all at one go?Which makes our blood aderaline rush,butterfly in the stomach?



Well ladies and gentleman, we all know the answer. Regardless of our orientation, the deep, ineffable feeling of tenderly caring for another person is the most powerfull yet dangerous at one go.



They say love is blind.



I beg to differ. I was sharing with Barney, with the past experience, I came with my own quote.



"Love my friend, is not blind. It is us, who is blinded by the true meaning of love"

It's because that we fail to see the flaws of our partner, that we willingly become the victim of love. We constantly forgive the partner, in hope he/she will change for the better. See, how love desroy you. Ironically, yet, we still yearn for the affection of love.

My past post, as mentioned. I have fall in and out of love. I went thru some bitter experience and since then, never had i wanted to fall into one again. Yet, at the same time, i wallow in self pity, wanting to feel over again what love is all about.

My mum, shared her perspective on love, and afterwhich, i pondered and even made me determined that i should just chuck it aside, at this moment of time.

I was wailing and crying so hard, when she was so sickly. That i thought of the worse that she would leave my family anytime soon. She's the one who had cancer, and im the one acting like i had one.

With her calm and suave attitude, what my mum said hit me real hard.

"Kakak, human love is temporary, never lasting. Never yearn for it. Never hope for it. It is god's love which is everlasting. To him we come, to him we go. Why search, yearn and depend on human's love when it doesnt last? Why search so far, when god's love lies in your heart?"

With that, she smiled and wiped my tears.

Oh, hello!





It has been a while is'nt it? The interest of blogging just fades day by day, and funnily today- tonight to be exact, i decided to pen something down. A hardcore procastinator, after one month of delaying, here's some 2 cents worth of words.





I stumbled across an old friend's friendster and i saw tons of pictures of my exs. Heart stopped. Palms sweaty.

That's the exact reaction i had. Vision gets fuzzy as i flashback the memories i had with him. Bittersweet. My 2nd serious bf,my first lover.

Up till now he keeps in touch with mom. I don't get his motive. Tell me, he keeps in touch with your mum,but never with you? Hmmm, incest?
With my mum? *chuckles*

I never thought of getting back with him. Never, until i saw him far,by chance with another girl. Only god knows how i wanted to cry on the spot. It's been what 4 years? The flame lingers on? I don't know. Happenings around me made me a skeptic. I became a self proclaim feminist. After being single for slightly more that 2 years, i decided, i dont need men(pardon the pun) to keep. I am independent on my own. And i am happy with it. Yes,true, sometimes i whine and whine to friends that i want a bf to call my own. But only to the extend of that. Whine only. Action only.

Anyway, im talking more craps. Have no idea what im typing too.

Calllooo betti.

They say,

Keep your friends close,

BUT KEEP your ENEMIES CLOSER.

I am sure living up to the statement.

I'm keeping her so close under my wing. Karma really hit you back hard this time round is'nt it bitch? Now you are acting oh-so-nice, don't think i don't know your game.

It's such a pity for someone who head a headscarfe actually has a hyprocrite personality. I din't want to stereotype, but you, put shame to your own kind.

You want me to still play by your game?

I'll turn the tables around ok?

Specially for you.

Taa~

Dear Diary,

I have to much to say/rant about that my head trobs and my hand shivered(that bad!) trying to sort out the pieces of thoughts i have.

It happens all the time,hence the less frequent reason of not blogging. Funnily it flows out easily like water when i playing with my own thoughts.

Does it happen to you blogger out there at many a times, or it isst just me who have lost the flare in writing?

I remember those old good days, when blog have yet to exist or have yet become popular, i used to have a dairy when i pen all my thoughts.

Reading back, i laugh, smiled, winched at the rawness of my writing, the truest form of emotion i poured in. It was so real, raw and true straight from the heart.

So what difference does it make here?

Issit because i thought so hard trying to please others who chance upon this blog?
I have no idea.

Goodbye dear blog.

Im gonna close you down. Im gonna start a new chapter come 18th.

Rejuvenating myself to a wholesome new me.

Come 18th is my 1st year to having this blog.

And the last of this blog.

Goodbye for now.